IV. UNDERSTANDING YOUR ROLE
Men and women are different in literally every cell of their bodies (due to male and female chromosomes), different in height, weight, figure, skeletal structure, metabolism, strength, some internal organs, ability to bear children — and temperament! It is not a matter of superiority or inferiority in any of those fields, but a matter of difference. The wise married couple learns how to appreciate and enjoy these differences.
Just what are the roles of husband and wife in marriage? There is no mystery here. What sensible woman would marry a man who refused to provide for, honor and cherish his wife?
A man's role is breadwinner, leader, example, and loving head of his family. If husbands would fulfill these roles, there would be little room for family arguments, competition, marital frustration, working wives, or women's "liberation." Most women would love and honor a husband of that stature. The problem begins when men do not fulfill this responsibility.
But what then is the all-important role of the wife?
The Wife's Responsibility
A survey of 622 urban housewives in 1965 revealed that they considered their roles to be mother, homemaker, and wife — in that order. In fact, a third of the women never even mentioned their roles as wives to their husbands, the only role of the three to which they vowed "I do" years earlier.
Today, there is great confusion concerning a woman's role. Should she be a homemaker? Should she have a career? What is her relationship with her husband?
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Suffice it here to say that if a woman has chosen to be married, she must respond as a wife if her marriage is to be successful.
Experienced marriage counselors have come to see that even if only one partner makes a concentrated effort to save the marriage — that is, to give in on arguments, to surrender selfish "rights," to smile, love, respect, and serve his or her partner — then the other mate usually catches the spirit and also changes! But this must be a sustained effort over many months in many cases or even years.
Even if a wife finds it difficult to respect her husband it is not her role to bitterly indict him. This will insure the eventual dissolution of the marriage.
The subject of the roles of husband and wife goes much deeper when you consider the little-understood mental and psychological differences of the male and female. One husband-wife team of lawyer and counselor wrote: "Deep at the root of every marital problem is the simple fact that women rarely understand men, and no man has really ever understood a woman. If this can ever be changed, married life would be smoother" (Kenneth and Irene Donelson, Married Today, Single Tomorrow, p. 27).
Of course men can understand women — and women can understand men. But it isn't automatic. It involves concern for the other and a proper understanding of each one's role in the marriage state.
V. FINANCIAL COMPATIBILITY
Financial problems in marriage are really only an effect of husbands and wives not communicating (Point One) or not knowing their roles (Point Four). Finances are cited as a major cause of divorce, but they are only an effect of the other problems listed above. Many people live happily within a small salary when they communicate and make a cooperative effort. Financial arguments are usually based on home government — "How much credit?" and "Who controls the money?" Often both partners want control — or perhaps neither does.
Experts cite finances as one of the major problem areas in many marriages. A Redbook survey found that "nearly 60 percent quarrel about money." The Donelsons, a husband-wife team of marital lawyers, wrote, ". . . husbands and wives fight over too much just as frequently as they do over too little" (Married Today, Single Tomorrow, pp. 10-11). In other words, disagreement over how the money is to be used.
Lewis M. Terman, in his voluminous research of marital conditions, listed "money matters" in the top position of husband-wife complaints. Dr. Popenoe, Director of the American Institute for Family Relations for over 40 years, clarified this point in a PLAIN TRUTH interview: "Most of the so-called causes of divorce are actually symptoms rather than causes. Financial difficulties are very common, but people don't break up from these difficulties if they're happily married. Few people are really happily married if they quarrel over finances rather than simply working the problem out together."
Practical points in handling finances include first of all communication of needs, accompanied by a willingness to share. Once again this means having outgoing concern for the other mate.
One primary consideration involves the setting up of a family budget. This encourages communication, consideration of both partners' needs, and agreement on priorities.
Important Financial Considerations
The main principles of budgeting include paying necessities first, avoiding credit purchases, and — an important factor for marital happiness — allowing each partner pocket money for which he or she is not accountable to the other. Many women complain they can never buy the least item for themselves or their children without an accounting to their husbands. Meanwhile, hubby stops to buy snacks, drinks or trinkets whenever he likes. Of course, there are also wives who want to spend freely and at the same time expect their husbands to account for every penny.
Who should manage the finances? This is the crux of most financial arguments. The husband should take the lead in setting up the budget. Depending on the circumstances, a wife might keep the records and pay the bills. Organization and individual duties will vary with each family. There is no set pattern. But, whatever is done, it should be done together. Sharing financial duties promotes family harmony. It builds stronger family ties in every way.
It doesn't matter which person stubs the checks or pays the clerk if they both communicate and cooperate.
Have Financial Harmony
Some men dress in the latest styles, while their wives are kept in shabby housedresses. This is not financial responsibility or compatibility. If the wife has expensive tastes for furnishings, home, clothing, and transportation, and the husband makes only half as much money as she wants, this is not financial compatibility. Both need to give in — the wife should learn to do without until the husband has worked hard enough and long enough to earn them. And the husband should study and work hard in his occupation so he can advance financially.
In our rapidly changing economy, one more financial consideration is important. As Dr. Popenoe says, "Handling the finances should be reviewed regularly, in the light of changing conditions and the changing needs of home and family." Be aware of financial news enough to know when to buy a home, a car, children's clothes. Study the cost of living (and the cost of borrowing), and counsel widely before making major purchases or budget changes.
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Your Marriage CAN Be Happy
A strong family unit truly is the building block of a great nation. "A strong monogamous family and the highest culture" have historically always gone together, according to Dr. Popenoe. ". . . if one deteriorated, so did the other!"
If every couple practiced these five points, the ascending divorce rate would immediately begin to decline, and then vanish.
It is gratifying to know that thousands of formerly unhappy marriages have been revived and enriched when the points discussed in this article have been faithfully and thoroughly applied.