A Massive Survey
Recently, Vance Packard published his 553-page book, The Sexual Wilderness. The massive volume surveyed and analyzed the contemporary upheaval in male-female relationships.
Packard spent four years in research for his book, consulting 300 professional people; sent questionnaires which were answered by more than 2,000 students in U. S. and foreign universities; visited 130 colleges; attended seven national conferences.
His reference material could be stacked in a pile reaching 30 feet in the air. His conclusion?
"In the past there have almost always been rules, standards, and sharply defined roles for each sex . . . today, the rules, standards, and assigned roles are in disarray" (page 13).
Then, on page 16, Packard gave the summary of a report on college students: "In the matter of managing sexual drive, the late adolescent's problems are compounded by the fact that the ADULT WORLD itself has NO CLEAR STANDARDS OF BEHAVIOR!"
It is no wonder that parents and adults in schools, the professions, the religious leaders are unable to give sound advice on sex, love, and marriage. Adults THEMSELVES are bewildered as to what the right standards, information and basic principles governing these aspects of life really are. Most parents admit they don't have the answers!
When we see the divorce statistics — the unhappy marriage statistics — we can only surmise that something is wrong with the SOURCES of the information. Since, according to the teenagers, they get a hefty share of their information and teaching from parents, the only conclusion is that the PARENTS ARE FAILING.
That means a lot of young people are running around thinking they know all they need to know about sex, dating and marriage when they really don't know anything at all. After all, they have asked someone, haven't they?
Computer Turned "Marriage Counselor"
Because all else has failed, some are turning to another source — computers. Over one million people in the United States have subscribed to computer dating services. Many of these agencies have sprung up across the nation and around the world, and have in recent years blossomed into a multi-million dollar business.
One agency in Los Angeles, California advertises 15,000 new matches completed every month. A number of these matches result in marriage, hopefully successful. Of course, there are many "fly-by-night" operations.
The more exclusive services actually employ staff psychologists. They issue a battery of tests, and with the aid of the computer and personal counsel from a psychologist, couples are matched according to "compatibility."
After following their matched couples through life for 10 years, one firm reported a divorce rate of only 3%. Still another has had over 400 marriages with only 3 divorces, or less than 1 % divorce.
One psychologist started arranging marriages by IBM in 1957. Out of 500 marriages he reported only 1 divorce. One in five hundred certainly looks good compared to the current average.
A good lesson can be learned from these bona fide "computer dating" organizations. First, the people who come to them WANT marriage, bad enough to pay for it. This usually means they are willing to WORK AT IT. The people they meet will have many areas in common with them. They will enjoy doing the same things, their backgrounds, attitudes and interests will be much the same. They will at least have some semblance of a foundation for successful marriage.
They are counseled by a no-nonsense professional who tells them the realities of married life. This, of course, is the key! It is the proper counsel before and during courtship that is of such vital importance. Here is where parents primarily — and other mature individuals — should be providing SOUND INFORMATION, COUNSEL AND GUIDANCE TO YOUNG PEOPLE. It needs to be given long before marriage.
Dating plays an important role in success or failure in marriage. Marriage is a result of dating. That is a fact. However, today, dating often degenerates into a state of merely "being together." It is often full of heartache, often full of problems and mistakes.
Proper Dating — A Key to Successful Marriage
Teenage is a time of sex discovery. It is the process of growing up, coming to puberty — the full sexual awareness of oneself and of other people. Yet, long before this, parents should have been teaching children the true meaning of sex — its proper place in marriage — and the absolute FACT that it is a sacred and wholesome thing.
Children should be taught how to date. They should be taught the two real purposes of dating, 1) to develop personality and charm, and 2) to grow toward a successful, happy marriage.
Teenagers should be taught that you don't develop your personality in the back seat of a car, parked on a dark, lonely roadside. You don't learn to converse about important things slumped in a seat in some dimly lit movie house.
Parents should teach their children that there are absolute, living, spiritual LAWS that govern dating, sex and marriage which do exact penalties when broken. They should understand and teach the great purpose of marriage.
And teenagers, by the living example of parents, should have long ago become aware of what makes a truly happy marriage.
But how can parents who often do not practice these things be expected to teach their children? And how can pastors who do not know these principles be expected to teach parents how to teach their children?
Very few teenagers, even in this age which vaunts its "frankness," are taught — by parents especially — the really essential knowledge they must have on the subject of sex! Much of what they learn is from the traditional "gutter."
Vital Help Not Given
Usually, the two critical aspects of parent-child relationship in the matter of sexual and marriage guidance — right parental example, and positive teaching — are woefully neglected.
Whenever teenagers or young people are interviewed, they almost always complain that parents DO NOT communicate with them — or set the right example. Teenagers feel uneasy and afraid to discuss problems which crop up in this vital area of their lives. Often, there is absolutely no bond between parent and teenager.
In one typical interview, a senior in high school was asked to tell about her parents. Her incredible answer was: "I really hate them both . . . my father is really a kind of pseudo-hip. I really pity him because he's very weak . . . my mother's really dominating . . . She delights in humiliating him in front of us, tearing him down" (The Music of Their Laughter, Roderick Thorp and Robert Blake, Harper and Row, 1970, pages 83 and 84).
Later, this teenager was asked, "Do you figure that your father loves your mother?" The answer was "No." Did her mother love her father? Again, the answer was "No."
Another girl, barely twenty years of age, was asked whether she received sex instruction — and of her ability to communicate with her parents — especially her father.
Her somewhat typical answer was: "I have no respect for my father. I don't think there's anything binding my father and me. I never got any sex education when I was younger. I came by it, I guess like most girls my age do, in school, dirty jokes, dirty books" (ibid. , page 96).
These examples are all too common — a tragedy of our age. Parents have lost the respect of their sons and daughters. Often, parents do not even realize they've lost the confidence of their teenagers. Reason? Parents have failed to see the absolute necessity of communicating with and positively teaching their children from the earliest age.
The "reasons" and excuses are many. Parents have farmed out their children to fend for themselves. Mom worked. Dad was too busy with his job. They just didn't realize their responsibility.
Is it no wonder that teenagers cannot look to parents for help in perhaps the MOST critical years of their lives? The decisions they make now are going to start them on the road to either success or failure.
Some Advice For Parents
What should parents do? For those who are just beginning to rear their children — the time to start is NOW! Realize that you have an awesome responsibility to teach the pliable minds which have been entrusted to your care.
You still have time to avoid critical mistakes!
Be sure your own marriage is heading in the right direction. Only then can it serve as a right example during the years your children develop and mature.
Above all, teach your children — establish contact with them. Keep it always. Don't let job, activities, selfish interests interfere with this absolute need your children have. They must have contact, communication, positive teaching and instruction from You. The world "out there," as they say, is a cruel place. They need you — even if they don't want to admit it! They will deeply appreciate it later on.
We have three pieces of literature which can help you to fulfill your responsibility as parents.
One booklet, FREE of charge, is called Your Marriage Can Be Happy. It shows how you can build happiness into your marriage so it can serve as an example to your children and teenagers.
You can also receive a free copy of our book, Plain Truth About Child Rearing. It explains HOW parents should train their children — throughout infancy, early childhood and into the teenage years — to grow up to be responsible adults.
You also need another specially prepared book on the subject of dating and marriage, titled Modern Dating — Key to Success or Failure in Marriage. It covers such vital subjects as, "The Art of Dating" and "How to Select a Mate." Get your FREE copy by writing for it today. All are sent free as an educational service in the public interest. Simply ask for them by name.
One Final Word For Teenagers: Communication is a two-way process. Realize that two wrongs do not make one right. Perhaps parents have made mistakes. Who hasn't? We are all human.
But respond to your parents. Listen to their advice. Don't make the mistakes they may have made as teenagers!